RWAV - January 1993

Table of Contents

Cover

cover13.jpg

by Anna Babb

Hello World !

Well as you can see I have finaly (After several attempts) got LaTeX to work, so this is the first A RUNE WITH A VIEW produced under my control to be typeset properly, the first having been knocked off on my electronic typewriter at home.

Having just viewed the results on xdvi I think they look quite superb, so this is how the mag will continued to be produced. Therefore, I am now taking articles on a wider range of media than before. The following options are availible to you lucky bunnies:

Thanks to everyone who's been along this term to anything we've done, whether it be video night, live role play or just down the Ascot on a Thursday night. There's going to be another video night at the begining of next term with NAKED GUN TWO & HALF, BATMAN RETURNS & STAR TREK VI on offer for those who haven't (& indeed those who have) to see it.

Last time the mag featured a cover drawn by a friend of mine, Anna Babb, from Oxford by University. I asked for a Dragon, but when I went to pick up the cover from her what I found was our last cover, humourously entitled "cyberchicken". Well this time it does appear as if she has managed to draw us a Dragon properly (or at least I hope she has !)

by Philip Ayres

Sci-Fi News

On November the 1st, the BBC/Thames joint stelite venture UK GOLD started broadcasting. Every weekday evening at Five Thirty they are showing Doctor Who. The information I have says that they will be showing stories from a variety of Doctors, not always in order. So far they have shown (In this order) An Unearthly Child, Edge of Destruction, The Aztecs, Planet of Giants, The Rescue, The Romans, The Sensorites, The Space Museum, The Time Meddler, The Ark, The Gunfighters, and The War Machines, all from the Hartnell era. Missing from the list are three classic Dalek Stories, The Daleks, The Dalek Invaision of Earth and the Chase. The information that UK GOLD put out seem to indicate that they would be showing no story featuring the Daleks, due to a difficulty with Terry Nation (The creator of the Daleks and the writer of these storys),or any story featuring the Cybermen or the Master. However this week?s Radio Times reveals that the story starting Tuesday 12th january is Tom Baker?s Genesis of the Daleks ! (I can see Paul Strong rubbing his hands in glee as this is slap bang in the middle of his favorite period of the program, I so indicating that the following storys may be from the same period).

By sheer chance the BBC?s repeat run which resumed again in November with the Daemons, continues on Friday 15th January with Genesis of the Daleks. The Daemons is also January?s Doctor Who video release, with Terminus, Enlightenment, and Image of the Fendahl following in subsequent months. Rumours that a copy of Tenth Planet part 4 had been returned to the BBC prooved to be false. Sorry.

The repeat run of Star Trek is continuing on Wednesady evenings at 6pm, and the final episodes of The Prisoner are on, also on Wednesday, at 11pm. Star Trek - The Next Generation video releases continue apace, with season Five concluding in April or May. Star Trek - Deep Space Nine has recently premiered in the states, with a possible video release over here as early as May. In the US, Star Trek - The Next Generation season Six continues, a with the recent two part story, Chains of Command, featuring a covert Federation mission into Cardassian territory, rumoured to link in with the start of DS9.

ITV have been running an excellent remake of the seventies sci-fi show, The Tomorrow People, which has been very well recieved.

by Philip Ayres

Bollocks ! Red Dwarf IS Smegging Briliant and I'll fire a Bazookoid at anyone who says it isn't !

3 million years from Earth, the minning ship Red Dwarf. lt?s crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive, Arnold Rimmer, a Hologram of his dead bunk mate and as creature that evolved from the ship?s cat. Message ends ....

Additional. It has come to our attention that despite everyone thinking our travels are the best thing since Gustav Gonk and his amazing singing potatoes, nothing much has been written about our exploits. This should put an end to that (And all that Trek stuff for a while)

So, we?ve now had five series of Red Dwarf, and many changes. Let?s start back in 1988, with series 1. We only had four permanent crew members then you include Holly), as Kryten did not enter the show until the first story of the sceond series (and not permanently until the first of the third). The costumes by todays standards were quite poor, with Lister in curry vindaloo stained T-shirts and Rimmer in a sort of beige army uniform. Only the cat looked like he does today. The sets were completely diffrent tov, with everything (including the crew quarters) looking like it was made out of rivetted sheet metal and painted like ice cube trays. Despite this, however, it was bloody funny, with a larger element of continuity, with most episdoes being interlinked in some way. For example in Confidence and Paranoia we end the episode with two Rimmer holograms (Oh Smeg l), leading into Me^2. Of course the biggest diffrence back then was Holly, played then by Norman Lovett. Sorry Hattie Hayridge, but I?m affraid that most people still prefer old Norm. However, this is probabl;y not Hattie?s fault, as Holly?s part has shrunk somewhat over the years (ooer!) so she does not get much of a chance to proove her worth.

On to series 2. By this time most of the little niggling things about series 1 were gone. The crew members knew each other better, and everything was much smoother flowing. The sets hadnlt chnaged much, but the stories were much stronger and more adventurous. This series also saw the first use of location filming for the show, in ?Better than Life', and ? Thanks for the memory ? , and scenes on other planets (Kryten on the Nova 5 in ?Kryten? and Rimmer?s death day party in ?Thanks for the memory?). ?Kryten? also featuerd the first appearance of the android of the same name (or Kryten 2x4b 523p to give him his full name). In his debut, Kryten was played by a diffrent actor (David Ross).

Series 3 saw some changes to the format of the show. Rob Grant and Doug Naylor became the producers on the series. The set design was taken over by Mel Bibby who radically altered the ships design, making it sleaker looking. Costumes changed, and Kryten became a regular crew member (Now played by Robert Llewelyn), and a ?new? Holly appeared. Norman had left after an arguement about money and outside broadcast, so Hattie took over. All the charac ter changes and the disapearance of Lister?s twins were explained by a nutter Star Wars style scroller at the beginning of the first episode,?Backwards?(?Oi! You thieving bastards that?s our tandem. ?) Each episode was completely self contained with very little reliance on the previous episodes. This series began the trend of the crew finding abandoned planets space ships etc, rather than having all of the action based on the ship. That said the best episode of sereies three was set on board, the utterley smegging bri]liant?Polymorph?. This has to be my absoloute favorite episode, , not only for the emotion sucking genetic mutant (?Jenny who ??), but also for the great one liners (?You?ll bonk anything, won?t you Lister.?) There was also one episode in ther series that despite the new look would have worked perfectly fine in the first two series. This is ?Bodyswap?. I think that the main reasons for this are: A) It was a ship based episode and B) Both the Cat and Lister end up with a face full of mashed potato. That is cat and Lister?s bodies do !

Season 4 takes us more away from the Dwarf, with not one episode being set entirely l on board. However we did see the return of = Talking (?Would you like a Cheese and Ham l Bravel ??) ToasterTM. This was in ?White y Hole? Which has the very clever loop conversation (?What is it ??) We also had the crew all playing diffrent characters in a parallel dimension in ? Dimension ]ump? This gave ? us the now classic quote from Ace Rjmmer: ? Smoke me a Kipper, I?ll be back for Breakfast !? (This slogan can now be found on one of . the editor?s T Shirts). Unfortunately we also ? had ?Meltdown?, Which is held in common belief to be crap. This is not strictly true, it?s still a damm sight better then anything else on the TV, but for some reason it doesn?t feel right. But it did have the nice Elvis remix of the theme tune on the end.

Finally, there?s season 5. This episode also has a contender for the worst episode in the form of ?Holoship?, but the same applies to this as it does to Meltdown. It?s still a lot better than anything else on the TV. This series saw another producer (Hilary Bevan Jones), and Grant Naylor Take over as executive producers. On first viewing this series didn?t appear to have many jokes in it and didn?t appear to be set on Red Dwarf much either. However, when seeing these episodes again, the comedy is still there, and as good as ever. Red Dwarf is also there more than is first apparent. There are a large number of Rimmer epidoes, ? Holoship? , ?Teerorform? and ?Quarentine? all centre on Rimmer?s warped behaviour. However, two episodes affect everyone. ? Demons and Angels? has Three versions of each chracter in it (Though Lister has the most problems), and ?Back to Reality? has alternative personalities for everyone (except Holly) as well (?I don?t want to be Duane Dibbly?). We also have other versions of the characters, including a Richard O?Brien Kryten, and a Kochanski, who hadn?t appeared for some time.

So there you have it. Five brilliant series, all slightly diffrent in some way, but all brilliant. Roll on the spring I say when Red Dwarf VI should hit the screens. Until then I?l1 have to keep watching the videos.

by Sean Scaplehorn

A View Of IFIS From an Ex-Outsider

I feel I should give a brief description of how I first got involved with the IFIS lot in the beginning. Basically I knew Phil (That's the editor, That is.) from Maths Lectures and from Williamson House, where he lives. I accompanied Philip and friends to the Pub one Thursday and actually found I quite enjoyed it (Mainly because it was just a good piss up, and as many regulars will tell you I hardly need an excuse for a drink (Editor's Translation ? She's a Piss-head)

Since then I have been going to the I Ascot every Thursday, and spending more and more the with the regulars. But I kept the fact that I hadn't joined IFIS close to my chest for some time and used it to get out of things. I am now considered one of the regulars, and they now constantly tease mc over my weakncsses (Editor 3 quotes : 'Excellent' (In a Tall, Menacing and Silvery voice),'Oh no, it's a bit tricky !' and 'Lovely, Milky, Milky !').

My time as an outsider has come to an end though, for at a recent Video evening I was persuaded to join. But I still ask myself why !

Answers to this question may be submitted to the editor for publication at a later date!

by Sandie Brown

Stake and Chips with a Side-Order of Pate Please!

Wednesday, 9th December

A house, in St. Jude's road, Englefield green is completely gutted in a serious fire. Simon Richardson, who was living there, is killed Jenny (his girlfriend) barely escapes.

Friday, 11th December

A new society is formed the "Psychic Investigator's Society". It's first meeting was at 8.00pm. I was the Chairman, Estelle was the secretary, ChrisT was the Treasurer. For some reason, College security were interested in who was attending, and a little old man with a hearing aid was ticking off our names on a list. We made buzzing noises until he went away for a new set of batteries.

Our first meeting was interrupted by Jenny's arrival. She was in a very distraught state, as could be expected - she had recently lost both her boyfriend and her house. She told us that there were some black witches on campus - an occult society - and that they had burnt her house down. She needed our help to halt their activities. I already knew of the existence of the occult society-Estelle was a member, and was supplying me with information. There was to be an occult society meeting that night, at Huntersdale (that little biology department that's miles away from college). One of our "psychic investigators" - Christina Courtney - was to be used as a "virgin" sacrifice.

We had a few clues to follow:

1. Christina had been "given the runes" by the occult society. This should have taken control over her, and if it had worked, she would willingly be collected for a lift down to Huntersdale, where she would be sacrificed. The spell had not worked, because of Christina's strong Catholic faith. She knew she was supposed to meet her contact at 10.45pm at Founder's north tower. We had plenty of time to pursue this later.

2. Jenny believed that Simon had left some information on the computers in the Computer Science department before he had been murdered. She knew his password, so we could easily gain access. This sounded like a clue we could pursue immediately.

We all went off to the Computer Science department. We went into the smaller of the two terminal rooms, because we felt we needed privacy, and we felt safer there. We gained access to Simon's files, and then set about finding the information he was supposed to have left there. This didn't seem easy. Simon's files were very badly organised, and it seemed that the easiest way to find what we needed was to look at every file, one after the other. Some of the files showed that Simon had been trying to crack the security system, some of them showed what a sick mind he must have had. Eventually we found what we wanted - some files called "grey" and "white" - both were lists of spells and how they should be used.

We also read Simon's electronic mail. He seemed to have received a lot of hate mail from someone called "Miss R J Wickson" in the Biology department. These messages said things like "Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock stuck 12", and "Run witch run, here comes the darkness", and "Don't grieve too much. You'll be joining him very soon". Some of this was obviously intended for Jenny, and not for Simon at all.

While all this was happening, one of our Committee members (ChrisT) had been given a letter, apparently from the college library, telling him to collect the books that he had ordered. The door slammed, and we soon realised that one of our members had run out, and that ChrisT was gibbering to himself. Jenny (who we now all realised was a white witch) noticed that he was holding the letter, and found the runes hidden inside the envelope. Apparently Richard Mines - one of our members - was one of the occultists, and had tried to "recruit" ChrisT - our treasurer, and failed.

We had about an hour and a half before Christina's appointment with the occultists was due, and the only other clue we had was that Richard Mines had given his address in Kingswood. After much fussing, arguing, and doing nothing (one of the trade marks of our party) we headed somewhat slowly for Kingswood, intending to stop off at the Catholic church on the way, for some of our members to pray for protection. When we reached the church, we fussed, argued, did nothing, then some of us prayed, then we fussed, argued, did nothing, and ran out of time to go to Kingswood. Instead we went to Christina's appointment, but decided to all stay together, protecting her from whoever was due to collect her.

We stood, shivering, under Founder's north tower. Christina was hysterical, as she was for most of the weekend, but we all stood around her, waiting for her date to show up. On several occasions, cars pulled up near us. Most of them were innocent (collecting things from someone's room, for instance). One or two of them were suspicious. One in particular NEARLY pulled up, but then presumably spotted us, as it drove off at an incredible rate, tyres screeching, and nearly hit an innocent 2CV head-on!

Eventually, we gave up. By this time it was well past midnight, and we decided that the occultists must have given up on Christina too. It seemed we were still in a lot of danger, so we decided we must all sleep in the same room, and keep watches all night, in order to protect each other. Alex (What was his character's name "Joe"?) had the biggest room, so we all went there.

We organised watches, and our white witch drew a protection pentagram in front of the door. Nobody disturbed us all night, except Christina who was still, having nightmares involving human sacrifices! ChrisT and Christina (the two who had both been the targets of failed possession attempts) heard voices in their heads, building up in intensity, getting quite mad briefly, and then stopping. . . Suddenly.

Saturday, 12th December

We awoke on Saturday morning fairly well rested. Our white witch performed some kind of divination to discover what had happened in the night. Apparently, a very evil, very powerful thing had been summoned into this world, and then something had gone hideously wrong, and it had got away, and was now loose in the area. . What could we do? First we needed some breakfast, so we all trudged off to boog. After this, we decided that most of us would go to Huntersdale to look for any evidence of the ceremony. This sounded a little risky, as our enemy could have been there waiting for us, but it seemed like our only option. Christina was still tired, because she had been kept awake with nightmares all night. We decided she'd be safe in the room by herself. We didn't think the occultists knew where our room was, but Jenny drew a massive magic circle just in case.

Christina would sleep on a bed inside this circle, and would be protected from all evil. . . In theory.

On our way out of college, we stopped off to visit Tim and Ingrid. They had apparently wanted to join our society, but were unable to attend our first meeting. As we arrived, Jenny realised that there was something sinister about the room, and that Ingrid was incredibly evil. This was more than just slight wickedness - this was pure undiluted evil. Whatever had been released last night was probably here in this room. We made some lousy excuses, and left, promising to speak to Tim on our way out (he was making coffee in the kitchen), but then leaving pretty fast! We hid around a corner while we decided what to do next, and Jenny blessed the area.

We headed for Huntersdale. Estelle had to go to a meeting in Egham, so we said goodbye to her. It was later discovered that she went straight to Ingrid's room, and told them exactly what we'd been doing! I knew that she was a member of the occultists-she had given us most of the information about the Huntersdale arrangements but she actually went straight to the enemy (The REAL enemy, not just the occultists), and told them everything they wanted to know.

Huntersdale. . . Where is that? We knew the general direction, but nobody knew quite how far it was. In the end we found it quite easily, after a little confusion over a "Mycology" building. The place looked fairly empty until we looked around the back. When we did, we saw a few students at work in one of the labs, and one of them let us in. She answered to the name "Raquelle", and she looked quite ill. She showed us a list of students, and we found "Rachel Wickson" . . . All very suspicious, but we felt it would be rude to ask.

A private discussion between "Raquelle" and Jenny ensued, and we discovered that a very powerful vampire had be brought into this world by the occultists, they had lost control of the situation, and it had broken free, biting some of the occultists on it's way out (including Rachel herself). Jenny healed Rachel's bites, and organised to send her to London to be looked after by some other white witches.

Rachel showed us the scene of the previous night's ceremony. It was disgusting. The whole place was dead - rotten tree-trunks crumbled as we stood on them, a smelly stream completely failed to flow gently past. At the site itself we found a magic circle similar to Jenny's one, except that it was made of string, and in the centre was a circle three feet across of charred ground. Around the circle were strewn the disembowelled bodies of laboratory rats - presumably used as a sacrifice instead of Christine. There was also a LOT of blood around, apparently from those occultists who had been too slow at running away, and had been bitten by the vampire. The place smelled foul, even though a breeze tried to drag the stench away. Wobbly orange jelly like fungi clung to some of the dead wood.

We arranged to meet Rachel later, to put her on a train to London. We then returned to Christina, intending to go to lunch soon afterwards.

Christina, as usual, was highly strung. While we had been away, a note had been pushed under the door, saying "There's a vampire on the loose, what's your little squeaky-clean white witch going to do about THAT?". Obviously whoever left it had expected the room to be empty.

We had a little time before lunch, so we went to the Catholic church again, to get plenty of Holy water. Christine also bought some garlic - not just a little garlic, but most of the shop's stock. When we returned, there was a thin, nervous guy waiting outside our door. He told us that he had been bitten, and saw us as his only hope. Apparently there was also a concealed black witch there, but only Jenny could see her. The black witch vanished, and Jenny treated and converted the thin guy while some of us went to the library to see if it was open. It wasn't.

After lunch, when we returned to the room again, Ruth King was waiting for us. She was chairman of the college Christian council. . . She was also a black witch. She told us that she had to join forces with us in our fight against the vampires, and that only our combined power could defeat them. She brought with her some more holy water (we laughed at this - we had plenty already), and some waterpistols already loaded with some (we laughed at this too??guess why!). Apart from that, she had the address of at least one of the vampires (from her occult society membership list). We split into two groups, one heading for this house, the other meeting Rachel to take her to the station.

I was in the group that headed for the house. We went into Egham, and found the place a small flat near the station. Ruth rang the doorbell, only to be answered by an intercom. "Hello, we're from the Samaritans, could we come in and talk please?" said Ruth. Click, click, rumble, scuflle went the intercom. "l'm sorry, I gave at the pub" came the reply, immediately before we were cut off.

Damn... What now? We could pretend to have a delivery for Sue Packard (this was the vampire's name), but she probably already knew what we were playing at. This called for harsh action! Ruth, without really explaining herself, started speaking in Latin, reading from a piece of paper. On and on she went, building up to a shout towards the end, when suddenly a nearby car exploded, throwing us all to the ground, and covering us with minor burns. Ruth had just summoned a "Fire elemental", presumably the same as the one which ruined Simon's house. She then sent it into the vampire's house, which was completely ablaze within seconds. Sue ran out, screaming and wielding a kitchen knife, but was swiftly hypnotised by Ruth, who then shouted some more words in Latin to send the elemental home.

We ran away from the blaze as fast as we could without drawing attention to ourselves, as the police and fire brigade would soon be on the scene. We had arranged to meet the rest of the group at the station, but needed to waste some time first. We were all freezing cold, despite the burns, so we went to a coffee shop for some hot drinks.

We reached the station on time for our appointment, but should have got there five minutes earlier. Apparently Rachel was nearly on the train when the head vampire himself turned up. Most of the party had run off, while Jenny stood her ground, reading the dismissal spell while the head vampire stood and swore at her. Apparently he vanished before she could finish. Estelle had been with the other group, but had run off earlier (before they had left the campus): We feared the worst - she was probably caught by the vampires, and well on her way to joining them in their afterlife. It turned out that she had just gone off to do some work. In all this turmoil and danger, she had gone off to do some work. Typical.

As we were having this explained to us, Sue turned completely vampire, and ran off. She was hotly pursued by investigators armed with holy water-pistols, but she turned gaseous and vanished before we could catch her.

We waited at the station, closely huddled and watching our backs, until we had reassembled most of the party. By now we had gathered most of the members of both societies together. On our way back to college we discovered that Rachel had not, in fact, managed to get onto the train as we thought she had. Instead, she had run off, and was caught by the vampires, and spread evenly all over a bus shelter. Police had cordoned off the area.

We had heard (from one of the ex-vampires) that there was to be a meeting for all new vampires, at the Ascot, at 6. We decided to intrude, but found the Ascot closed. We tried the Beehive, nothing. The S.U. bar, nothing. We returned to the Ascot, which was now open, but still empty. Damn! good excuse for a drink, methinks! While in the pub, a strange little gentleman asked us about the murders. Apparently someone had been ripped to pieces in Ingrid's room presumably Tim. He also told us about the fire in Egham, and the bus-stop murder. We pretended to know nothing.

After a few drinks, we returned to THE room. Christina had drunk too many diamond whites, and the alcohol, combined with the fear and the paranoia, drove her over the edge. She ran off, leaving notes on people's doors, and calling herself "Cally". A couple of people went off to find her. Most of us gave up hope. We were all tired, hungry, and very, very scared. The fear was incurable. The tiredness required sleep. A small team made an excursion to the kebab van to cure the hunger. Christina was eventually returned to us.

Saturday Night

Ruth, we discovered too late, has an allergy to chilli. I had just bought her a kebab with chilli sauce on. "It's OK", she promised us, "I'll be alright if I take it in small doses". It wasn't. She spent the night dreaming fantasies about pate, quite loudly. We would all be on the verge of sleep, except for Ruth, who was the only one who was sound asleep, when she would abruptly sit up, say "Pate pate pate pate", and lie down as quickly as she had jumped up, remaining asleep throughout. On one occasion we heard the line "Chicken pate, liver pate, cherry pate, chocolate pate, garlic pate". ChrisT comforted her, saying "It's okay Wendy, the nightmares can't hurt you, I'm here!". ChristT was definitely not on top of Wendy (Ruth), and I'm sure anyone in the room will back me up on that (honest)!

Picture if you will, at least thirteen people sleeping mostly on the floor of one Founder's room. Imagine the sweat. Add in the garlic which had been mixed with the holy water, which stank. Also add the lingering smell of kebabs and burgers. Lovely!

The vampires came to visit us fairly soon. It seemed obvious that they intended to keep us awake, and they intended to scare all hell out of us. They succeeded. We had locked the door, but they unlocked it by magic. The door kept opening of it's own accord, and slammed by us at the first opportunity. We would be intent on the door, all holy water pistols aimed, when a vampire would suddenly appear behind us, and laugh evilly. Jenny tried to dismiss them, but could never finish the spell in time. It seemed that our magic circle, faded though it was, was protecting us quite well.

On one time, the door flew open, and all the vampires were posing outside the door. They were showered with holy water, which must have been unpleasant, because they slammed the door shut again. Later they drew their own magic circle outside the door, and dripped blood down the door. Several times a note flew under the door, but was blown out by us, as we knew that we could become the victims of magical attacks if we were to accept anything from them. Eventually the vampires left us, and went of to disembowel some people in Staines.

Needless to say, we kept watches. We were all scattered around the floor, ready to dive into the magic circle as soon as someone woke us. This idea seemed to have quite adequately burned itself into our brains, and was proven in practice early on Sunday morning. Footsteps were heard outside the door, and apparently our watchman shouted "Alert!". In less than five seconds, the entire party moved from being sound asleep, spread across the room, to being huddled in the circle, wide awake, completely alert, water-pistols aimed and ready, eyes fixed on the door. Jenny, who was on the bed in the middle of the circle, was apparently awoken by five or six people landing on her. Hush, hush. Silence settles. Pause. Step, step, Step, Step, STEP, STEP. Pause. Knock Knock. Screams. "Who is it?". Panic. "Egham Police!". Shit. Panic. We don't believe you! Prove it! Bollocks! Panic. "What do you want?". Heartbeats racing. "We're investigating a number of local murders, and a fire". Damn, how can we get out of this one? An ID card is pushed under the door. Should we accept it? We have to really, don't we? Open it. A picture of a fat policeman. Open door? Any other choice? Damn!

We opened the door. Two policemen were greeted with the sight of thirteen or so students huddled together, most of them on the same bed, half of them pointing water-pistols at them. thirteen students were greeted by the sight of two confused policemen, and behind them. Three vampires! Panic panic panic. We let the policemen in, shutting the vampires out. Could we please get our stuff together and come down to Egham police station? Get lost! No way! Damn, couldn't they wait until the sun had risen? We're not going! Christina and Jim are escorted out. The rest of hold together. Please bring our friends back!

It was at about this time that Ruth (Wendy) decided to wake up very suddenly and say something like "What the HELL is going on?"

Gunshots? Were they gunshots? "Okay, everybody get down on the floor and stay calm". They were gunshots. Panic panic panic. Pause. Policeman returns. We eventually discover that Jim has been killed. Police shot at the murderer, but he ran off. Christina? What girl? Oh! She was taken off by the Woman Inspector sir! What Woman Inspector? We don't have a woman inspector. Jenny dispels this obvious hypnosis, and we fear the worst. . . Christina has been kidnapped by the vampires, in full view of about 100 policemen, and none of them realised what was going on.

Inspector Richardson changes his mind. We can all stay in the room. He wants us to help with his investigation. He is prepared to believe that something "supernatural" is involved. We tell him the story. Jenny has to prove her powers by making Inspector Richardson stand on his head, and healing the bruises of a disbelieving bobby who was thrown against the wall by Jim's murderer a very strong man, but not a vampire.

Sunday, 13th December

Time passed, and we all watched the sun rise. The vampires had left us. The police assigned a bodyguard to us, and went about investigating the murders and the fire. We had a long day ahead of us, and we decided we had to find and kill the vampires before sunset... Before another night of slaughter and fear.

First, breakfast. Boog again-why not? Over breakfast we discussed our leads so far. The police had the registration number of a car that apparently belonged to one of the murder suspects. We wanted more clues than this, so we went back to our room, and Jenny performed another divination. We were hoping that the spirits would tell us where to find the vampires now... Unfortunately, they just told us to get out there and do the work ourselves!

Great! Wonderful! We had a the description and registration number of a car, and we had to search for it! What are the police paid for? Damn! Anyway, the vampires were hanging around near us until about five minutes before sunrise, and they must be back in their coffins before daybreak, so this car must be within 5 minutes driving time of the college? That encompasses the whole of Englefield Green, and parts of Egham! We split into two groups. We kept one witch in each group, in case any magical protection was required. I went with Ruth's group. We searched through most of Bond Street, and the Council Estate to the south of it. We didn't see anything helpful, and, more importantly, Ruth didn't pick up any helpful "Vibes". We walked out of Blay's lane, and along the A30 back towards College. Just as we reached the corner of Larksfield and Bagshot Road, we bumped into the other group.

Suffice to say, an argument ensued. We told Jenny that we had searched it pretty well, and couldn't see anything helpful, so we headed back here. She decided that we obviously hadn't searched it thoroughly enough, and we should do it again. Eventually, we decided to storm off in the direction we had come from, heading back to Blay's lane, but then we decided to cut through the woods on the south side of the A30 to meet them at Huntersdale later.

In the woods, we found a tent that was apparently inhabited by some sort of Refugee. He had left pieces of cardboard around saying things like "Shot for no reason". This couldn't possibly be part of the plot, we decided, so we gave the guy a wide berth and dived deeper nto the woods.

The next thing we discovered, as we walked rlong a forest path, was a tall, dark, wooden fence, with a gate in it. One by one, we peered over the top of the gate, and realised that it was the back entrance to a house. . . but no ordinary house. . . this house stank of EVIL. Ruth had a pendant which detected evil, and an eye on it was winking madly. This house was sick. Pure, undiluted evil was practically pouring out of the windows, and polluting the nearby ground. If evil was hot, this place would have given us a sun-tan.

Right! Back to the A30, then quickly down to Huntersdale to find the others! We actually met them half-way up the hill. They had been to Huntersdale, and found THE car, and our "bodyguard" policeman had broken into it. In it they had found a note with directions on it. It said "Best hope so far", and then things like "turn widdershins at indeosil in road.". These directions were apparently from an Estate Agent? What kind of estate agent is this?

We had lunch, and collected together the last few members of our party. We ripped a few branches off trees near founders, and sharpened them into stakes with our pen-knives. We topped up our holy water pistols, and added more "essence of garlic" to them. we then hit upon a problem which could never happen in real life. . . sunset was fast approaching, but our referees were still in a meeting somewhere, so we couldn't do anything!

About 45 minutes too late, a referee turned up. Jenny decided to jump into a police car, and follow the directions, to make sure that they matched up with the house we had accidentally stumbled upon. Apparently they did. Our policeman radioed for a search warrant, and it arrived startlingly quickly. We were now gathered around a house, which we had permission to search, but which we knew contained real guns, when we had only water-pistols, and which we knew contained perhaps more evil than had been seen on this planet for many hundreds of years. We knocked on the door. A suspected murderer answered. Christina stood calmly next to him, still dressed in her nightie, staring blankly into space. There was also another man present.

For a long time we argued with them. It was obvious that they were trying to stall us. We told our policeman to storm in, but he couldn't, so we told him to shoot the two men. Christina went up into the house with the other man, who looked a lot like Ingrid's boyfriend Tim, but he was dead, wasn't he? Our policeman seemed scared to shoot, so Jenny cast the hypnosis spell on him and ordered him to shoot. He shot the suspected murderer as he tried to run up the stairs into the house. Shots were returned by the Tim-thing, but nobody was hurt. The problem now was to get into the house and up the stairs, when a body was sprawled across the stairs, and a dead man was apparently alive an well and shooting at us, with a real gun, with real bullets, just like the ones that kill people!

Somehow, we did it. I think it involved the fact that our policeman was still hypnotised, and unfortunately it involved the injury of Christina, who was being used as a human shield by the Tim-thing. Anyway, we poured into the house, turned off the stereo because it was playing really annoying "spooky" music, and rammed about 3 stakes through the chests of each of the 3 vampires, who were all lying on a large bed, effectively dead, waiting for sunset. Jenny finally managed to say the ENTIRE spell of dismissal, and the vampires were finally dead... permanently. We were trying to heal Christina when someone saw the body of the Tim-thing vanish. It must have been some sort of illusion. Within seconds, police poured into the house. Some of the occultists must have run away at this stage. Personally, I just gave myself up willingly, along with several other members of our party. We were all taken to Egham police station, where we were questioned for a few hours, and turned loose.

Guess what we all did next? Well, put it this way, the Ascot must have thought it was a Thursday!

by Nick Waterman

Video Review: Star Trek: The Next Generation

For some of us the first Monday of the month is eagerly awaited. This is for the simple reason that CIC (& just about everyone else) choose this day to release a new batch of video cassettes. The 5th October was no exception, providing us with 4 more TNG episodes.

53 Disaster / The Game

Disaster is a fine episode, which throws some of our favorite characters into uncomfortably unfamiliar situations. Troi is in command, Picard stuck in a Turbolift with three kids (Sadly not the last time kids appear in a story this season), & Worf running a makeshift casualty/maternity dept. Plenty of what makes Trek great, action, humour and special effects. Some nice dialogue brightens up what could have been ?The Posidon Adventure in Space?, for example : ?contractions now at 7cm. Congratulations, you may now give birth?

The Game is a ?Wesley Grusher saves the day? story. Yes, he?s at Starfleet academy on Earth, but even cadets get vacations. Commander Riker brings back a ?game? from an enjoyable shoreleave on Risa (and he didn?t even need a Horga?hn!). But very soon the entire crew is hooked on it, bar Wesley & Girlfriend mission specialist Robin Leftler.

Tape 54 UNIFICATION I & II

This tape contains both parts of this two part story. It tells the tale of a certain Vulcan Ambassador with a (fascinating) historical connection to the Enterprise, and the attempts to bring about a reunification of the Vulcan & Romulan peoples. Also appearing is a certain blonde haired Romulan of our previous aquaintance. Meanwhile the Enterprise is solving a mystery involving a stolen Vulcan ship which involves them hanging out in several space junk yards (Giving the viewer time to play spot the starship class from previous episodes & films). Much talked about since it?s initial showing in the states, this is a good episode which is well worth seeing (especialy for the starship sequences - wobble, wobble, wobble !).

Tape 55 A MATTER OF TIME / NEW GROUND

This has been out for sometime now. If you haven?t bought it already - DON?T !

A Matter of time is a time travel story, with a twist. Yes I know it?s a cliche, but it sums up the epsiode well enough.

New Ground - Worf?s son, Alexander, has come to stay. OH DEAR !

Tape 56 Hero Worship / Violations

Hero Worship - Data saves a kid, kid worships Data (even dressing and styling his hair like him to match !) A real kiddies tale, but just about bearable.

Violations - A bunch of telepaths are aboard the Enterprise. Enterprise crew members slip into comas. Are the Telepaths responsible ?

Tapes 55 & 56 are, unfortunately, the start of the slump in the season 5 stories, and there?s worse than these to come. Do they scrape the absoloute bottom of the barrel and displace Justice from it?s spot as worst Trek story ? We?ll have to wait and see.

by Richard Taylor

Video Review: Doctor Who - Mawdryn Undead

What Ho ! The wheeze about young ?Stiffy? Turlough and that tophole cove the Doc is an absoloutely ripping yarn, there?s even a real howler when Stippy and young Hippo snaffle old Maj Letherbridge?Stewart?s banger for a wizard prand. Spiffy!

And for those of you who didn?t go to public school, Mawdryn Undead is a Prime cut of Davidson ?WHO?, it oozes intrigue, mystery, and intresting ideas. Not only do we meet Turlough (Replacing that dead Wesley with a bowl cut, Adric) and boo at the man most consistantly voted most terrifying evil galactic demigod with a dead crow stuck to his head, The Black Guardian, but on top of that, the man with the moustache is back and this time he?s bought...Himself ! It?s always good to see the Brig (Chap with the moustache. Four episodes rapid fire !) but here there?s two of him (Don?t ask, just buy the video) and what?s more he?s been promoted to the managing directorship of a supermarket chain...

On top of this we encounter Mawdryn, the man with spaghetti bolognese sticking out of his head, who, if not undead, is certainly rather unwell. So unwell, in fact, that his only escape is to go the way of all Dad?s Army cast members. Can the Doctor help him? Possibly, If Nyssa & Tegan?s acting doesn?t destory him first. Sadly the Feilding - Sutton duo have an uncharacteristically bad time of it: If they are not being unrealistically aged or ?yoofed? , they?re standing there with their feet glued to the floor and their arms stapled to their sides, delivering lines woodenly. Tegan?s antipodean ancestory may account for some of this but Nyssa?s got no excuse.

Also on the negative side, MU isn?t what you?d call an action story, and the intellectualy challenged among you may have difficulty following it. But these are minor Quibles in what is a very strong story and worth the asking price for the public school antics alone. As a special bonus, The Black Guardian, treats us to his very own rave video (without the aid l of dangerous drugs) in episode one. All in all ? Mawdryn Undead is well sawtid .. err .. I mean a jolly good show alround. Got any vergs, matron ?

by Matthew Peacock

Live Roleplay Review: Blake's 7 - Federation 0

On the night of Saturady 7th Novemeber, the first Blake?s 7 LRP was held at Kingswood. There were about fdourteen people in all including the predictably obvious Blake?s 7, who actualy started off Blakeless, under the leadership of the ever popular Avon. 'l`ln atmosphere was brilliant with the Liberato crew having their usual arguements over ab soloutely everything. The Bitch fights betwee1 Cally and Soolin over Avon were particularlg amusing, but in the end debate turned as t which of Avon or Tarrent would be better iz bed! Chris Haynes was a wonderful Avon promissing Federation Guards their freedom iz exchange for information, and then shootin them. He showed his true heroic form whei he ran off with Soolin, and left Blake and th others to be taken prisoner.

The ending was certainly unexpected, with Servalan turning out to be a man in drag to the horror of Avon and Tarrent, an Cally turning into a Homicidal maniac, rollin around in the mud with Avon a lot, and the shooting Blake dead before being killed b her loyal friend Avon. The best quote the night goes to Vila (Matt) who upon be ing confronted by armed Federation Guard: and asked who they were, cheerfully yelle back ?We?re Blake?s 7 !? The best actor was without a doubt the Sainsburys cardboard bo playing Orac !

by Faye Courtney

Live Roleplay Review: Blake's 7 2

To all concerned, What can I say !

W H O O P S

Your ever loving ref,

by Jim Smart

IFIS

Imagine an evening in Englefield Green.
As everyone knows it's a happening scene
There's hundreds of things to see and to do
If you ponder a year you may think of a few

So out of your lodgings, your house or your hall
And down Egham Hill your footsteps may fall
A pub called the Ascot is there situated
Where thirst may be quenched and hunger pangs sated

The main clientelle there is rather unique
You're welcome there if you're a mutant or freak
They call themselves IFIS, they're into Sci-Fi
And they read Anne McCaffery, though God knows why !

Over Pratchett & Adams they truely will drool
Alternative comedy also is cool
They take up half the pub, maybe more
With people on seats, on tables, on floor

But landlord and barmaid, there's no need to worry
These aren't the ones for a pint and a curry
They don't cause a riot, they don't cause a Ruckus
(To the rest of the pub they're that bunch of sad fuckers)

They start to arrive at six thirty, perhaps
Departure is shortly before they colapse
Although there are some who collapse all the time
On sadly small volumes of beer or of wine

The lads they are hard, they are cool they are randy
When downing their halves of sweet cider or shandy
All of the girlies are truely impressed
By the way that they drink, they talk and they dress

They pretend to be wizards and vampires and elves
One wonders how often they look at themselves
The colour of clothing is preferably black
More flattering would be a six foot sack I

They battle with monsters, and think it's a laugh
They're not scared of things that might lurk in the dark
Though the one thing that will turn they're knees to porridge
Is the symphony orchestra lot from the college.

When that lot arrive, it's reckoning day
The sci-fi's yell "Run away, Run away !?
And scurry off quickly to Williamson Hall
Within fifteen minutes there's no one at all

At last "Milky, Milky" you hear from the street
In the pub where all local school spanners can meet
However there are other places not far ?
Tomorrow let's go to the union bar

by Carla

Footnote

OK The live role play article was written by Nick Waterman. Sorry about the occasional spelling mistake and typo but . . . Hope you enjoyed this issue, more of the same next time.

"Be seeing you"

by Philip Ayres